So here I am again trying to prod at the word 'love' for the millionth-billionth time.
I have become very wary in my use of it, because how I perceive the weight of the word itself makes it inappropriate to use in most of the situations I face.
Call me detached but I have my reasons for it.
'I love you'.
Have you ever wondered what those words actually mean?
Or are we all obsessed with love in a way that's demeaned it.
Similarly to marriage being all about the wedding day and not what entails after the parade is over.
We sort of become infatuated with the notion of relationships, being in love lust and limbo with another soul.
I've been in relationships where, there always feels like there's a time limit in which you have to wait to say it.
But whatever the consequence it has to be said.
It's not a proclamation of an undying love for someone, no it's not that at all.
It's like a less awkward way of saying goodbye on the phone than actually saying the word 'bye'.
There's a sincerity to it.
And considering the majority of the time when someone or myself said the dreaded three word eight letter phrase for the first time to the other, it was nearly always on the phone.
And out of all those times only one guy got upset I wasn't physically there to declare my love for him for the very first time so he withheld on telling me until he saw me a week later to make a real moment of the first time he told me.
I dated that guy for 2 years for a reason.
But personally whenever I say it, I feel like a fraud.
There's a gap between what I feel and what I say.
I grew up feeling that hearing the word, or saying them should send heatwaves coursing through your body and a warmth like nothing in this world fills you up until you implode.
I used to feel that way when I said it and meant it
And no I didn't go around saying 'I love you' to every willy nilly around the world, I am not that type of girl ladies and gentleman, not at all.
Just here me out.
Because of the experiences I have had, I have become detached to the word and all its meanings.
I mean sure, you can love someone you're with you don't need to be in love with them.
And saying something like that might be more meaningful than euphemisms such as 'I care a lot about you'.
Which is true, but not the answer they want.
Definitely too long a phone call goodbye.
But why do we expect to hear those words.
Why do we need them.
Because I have had my heart and soul crushed by the protagonists of my heart.
I used to think, and some part of me still does, that by saying those words a promise was being made.
That saying 'I love you' translated to things like:
'There's is nothing and no one else but you'
'Here I am with all my flaws, take me and love me and I'll do the same'
'I will make silly mistakes like, forgetting you wanted a soy latte instead of full fat, but nothing that will break you into little pieces.'
And a bunch of other things.
Because lets phase it the phrase alone is a round up of a lot of different things condensed into three words and eight letters.
But these people confuse affection with being in love.
Along with a lot of other things.
And we do it all the time.
We want to be loved so much.
To be needed and cared for and worshiped and adored and a bunch of other shit.
We want to exist beyond ourselves and our own paths.
Can we blame 12 year olds for saying they love each other, mocking and shaming them, when we don't even know what love is itself.
What the phrase entails.
It is a common sign of affection.
As common as milk on a dairy plant.
Saying 'I love you' doesn't really mean anything.
If not anything not nearly as much as it used to.
I don't have unrealistic expectations about my current or future relationships.
But saying something and showing it are two completely different sides of the rainbow.
I may mean it when I say it, but not in the way you want it to mean.
And a phrase like that should only mean one thing
And that's when it gets complicated.
But you must be thinking 'Oh Audrey you're contradicting yourself here'.
Well you know what, love is a contradiction.
And you can't make pretentious sexy so suck it and leave.
This is me,
With love
Drey x
P.S
Feel free to leave comments on what you think.
I love a good discussion.
Aaaaaaaaaaand goodnight folks.
I have become very wary in my use of it, because how I perceive the weight of the word itself makes it inappropriate to use in most of the situations I face.
Call me detached but I have my reasons for it.
'I love you'.
Have you ever wondered what those words actually mean?
Or are we all obsessed with love in a way that's demeaned it.
Similarly to marriage being all about the wedding day and not what entails after the parade is over.
We sort of become infatuated with the notion of relationships, being in love lust and limbo with another soul.
I've been in relationships where, there always feels like there's a time limit in which you have to wait to say it.
But whatever the consequence it has to be said.
It's not a proclamation of an undying love for someone, no it's not that at all.
It's like a less awkward way of saying goodbye on the phone than actually saying the word 'bye'.
There's a sincerity to it.
And considering the majority of the time when someone or myself said the dreaded three word eight letter phrase for the first time to the other, it was nearly always on the phone.
And out of all those times only one guy got upset I wasn't physically there to declare my love for him for the very first time so he withheld on telling me until he saw me a week later to make a real moment of the first time he told me.
I dated that guy for 2 years for a reason.
But personally whenever I say it, I feel like a fraud.
There's a gap between what I feel and what I say.
I grew up feeling that hearing the word, or saying them should send heatwaves coursing through your body and a warmth like nothing in this world fills you up until you implode.
I used to feel that way when I said it and meant it
And no I didn't go around saying 'I love you' to every willy nilly around the world, I am not that type of girl ladies and gentleman, not at all.
Just here me out.
Because of the experiences I have had, I have become detached to the word and all its meanings.
I mean sure, you can love someone you're with you don't need to be in love with them.
And saying something like that might be more meaningful than euphemisms such as 'I care a lot about you'.
Which is true, but not the answer they want.
Definitely too long a phone call goodbye.
But why do we expect to hear those words.
Why do we need them.
Because I have had my heart and soul crushed by the protagonists of my heart.
I used to think, and some part of me still does, that by saying those words a promise was being made.
That saying 'I love you' translated to things like:
'There's is nothing and no one else but you'
'Here I am with all my flaws, take me and love me and I'll do the same'
'I will make silly mistakes like, forgetting you wanted a soy latte instead of full fat, but nothing that will break you into little pieces.'
And a bunch of other things.
Because lets phase it the phrase alone is a round up of a lot of different things condensed into three words and eight letters.
But these people confuse affection with being in love.
Along with a lot of other things.
And we do it all the time.
We want to be loved so much.
To be needed and cared for and worshiped and adored and a bunch of other shit.
We want to exist beyond ourselves and our own paths.
Can we blame 12 year olds for saying they love each other, mocking and shaming them, when we don't even know what love is itself.
What the phrase entails.
It is a common sign of affection.
As common as milk on a dairy plant.
Saying 'I love you' doesn't really mean anything.
If not anything not nearly as much as it used to.
I don't have unrealistic expectations about my current or future relationships.
But saying something and showing it are two completely different sides of the rainbow.
I may mean it when I say it, but not in the way you want it to mean.
And a phrase like that should only mean one thing
And that's when it gets complicated.
But you must be thinking 'Oh Audrey you're contradicting yourself here'.
Well you know what, love is a contradiction.
And you can't make pretentious sexy so suck it and leave.
This is me,
With love
Drey x
P.S
Feel free to leave comments on what you think.
I love a good discussion.
Aaaaaaaaaaand goodnight folks.
love is a contradiction